Warranty Expired

An angry bird was not happy with his wife, so he sent the following message to his mother-in-law. "Your product does not match my requirements."

The smart mother-in-law replied,"Warranty expired: manufacturer not responsible after the seal is broken."

Eh Bakit Ikaw?

Wife: Honey, ibili mo naman ako ng bra.

Husband: Honey, wag kana magbra, maliit naman dede mo eh.

Wife: (taas kilay) Eh, bakit ikaw naka brief?

Miss, Anong Oras Na?

Boy: Miss, pwede magtanong? Anong oras na?

Girl: Nagtatanong ka ng oras? Tapos, itatanong mo pangalan ko? Tapos, hihingin mo number ko? Tapos, liligawan mo ako? Tapos, after one month na pacharming-charming, sasagutin kita. Tapos, bibisita ka sa bahay. Tapos magde-date tayo. Syempre, pakipot naman ako. Tapos, dadalhin mo ako sa motel! Tapos, may mangayayari sa atin. Tapos, mabubuntis ako? Tapos, pakakasal tayo! Tapos, bubugbugin mo lang ako! At pano na ang bata? Kaya hindi! Hindi ko sasabihin kung anong oras na!

Boy: ??? (speechless)

Thumb Mark

Aling Dionisia in a bank

Teller: Maám may ID ba kayo na may picture?
Dionisia: May pecture naman yang ID ko ah!

Tinignan ulit ng teller ang ID

Teller: Ay meron po pala. Sorry po. Kala ko thumb mark.

Maria Go

Teacher: Verb is an action word. Juan give me an example.
Juan: Went maám.
Teacher: Very good! Use it in a sentence.
Jaun: Maria go went to twon.
Teacher: Wrong! Kung gagamit ka ng went wala na yung go.
Juan: Maám yung go po apelyido ni Maria. Intindihin mo po kasi. Hindi ung lagi ka nagmamagaling.
Teacher: (nga-nga)

Ayoko Ko Ng Ingles

Dionisia: Ayuko na ng Ingles, hirap intindihin!
Manny: Bakit naman?
Dionisia: Eh pano, ang isda, pis, ang mukha, pis, ang pandikit, pis, ang kapayapaan, pis, ang kapiraso, pis. Pati sa subdivision may pis 1, pis 2, pis 3!

Vice Ganda VS. Asiong Salonga

Asiong : Aken ang lupang ito!

Vice : Sayo na !

Asiong: Ako ang hari ng tondo!

Vice: Bakit may papeles ka?!

Asiong: May gatas ka pa sa labi

Vice: Hinde milo yan .

Asiong: Hayup ka!

Vice: Natural kabayo ako!

Top 5 Songs of 2012

TOP 5 SONGS OF 2012:

5. RUNAWAY
by Ramona Revilla

4. NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO
by Leila De Lima

3. SO SICK
by Gloria Macapagal Arroyo

2. PAALAM NA
by: Justice Corona

& the top 1 is
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1. THIS GUY'S IN LOVE WITH YOU PARE
by Kc Concepcion!

Noynoy VS. Bongbong

BONGBONG: can we talk?
NOYNOY: who you?
BONGBONG: kapal mo! you deleted my number na?
NOYNOY: kupal ka pala eh. sino ka ba?
BONGBONG: gago! senator BONGBONG here.
NOYNOY: tae ka! why would i have your #?

BONGBONG: di ka ba talaga pwedeng makausap nang matino?
NOYNOY: di tayo close, you know that!
BONGBONG: ulol! we have a lot of things in common, tandaan mo ‘yan.
NOYNOY: magkaiba tayo.

BONGBONG: ‘di ah! pangalan pa lang natin, pareho na! bong-bong! noy-noy!
NOYNOY: tanga! anong pareho dun!? magkaiba ‘yon. ferdinand ka, benigno ako.
BONGBONG: see? kapangalan pa natin ang ating mga ama.
NOYNOY: bobo! junior ka, the third ako. malaki ang difference no’n.

BONGBONG: pati sa mga kapatid natin, may similarity tayo. ‘yong panganay naming si ate IMEE: saksakan nang ‘tigas ng ulo noong dalaga. kapag nagustuhan ang lalaki, nagrerebelde.
NOYNOY: sira! hindi ganun ang panganay naming si ate ballsy.
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha! sinong may sabing si ballsy ang tinutukoy ko?
NOYNOY: huwag mong idamay si viel, tahimik ‘yon.
BONGBONG: sige na nga. regards na lang kay kris. joke!
NOYNOY: namemersonal ka na!
BONGBONG: ikaw ang nagsimula!

NOYNOY: fault ko pa? sino bang sumisira sa diwa ng edsa? singapore your face! I’ve got two words for you: “martial law!”
BONGBONG: ah gano’n? babalikan na naman natin ang nakaraan? do not provoke me!
NOYNOY: really? here’s another: “marcos cronies!”
BONGBONG: pakyu ka! “kamag-anak incorporated!”

NOYNOY: “plaza miranda bombing!”
BONGBONG: “mendiola massacre!” hoy! wala kang alam sa history! si joma sison ang nambomba sa plaza miranda! ‘yon ang nasa libro ni ka jovy salonga!
NOYNOY: ah basta!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha naubusan ka na ng bala!

NOYNOY: noong panahon ng tatay mo, walang freedom of the press!
BONGBONG: noong panahon ng nanay mo, walang kuryente!

NOYNOY: marcos billions sa europa!
BONGBONG: whatever! hacienda luisita!
NOYNOY: engot! in five years, ipapamahagi na namin ‘yon!
BONGBONG: i don’t believe you! gawin mo muna!

NOYNOY: wala ka na sa Bagong Lipunan. wake up!
BONGBONG: wala ka na sa poder ng nanay mo, grow up!

NOYNOY: teka nga! bakit ka ba text nang text?
BONGBONG: eh bakit reply ka nang reply?
NOYNOY: ano ba talagang gusto mo?
BONGBONG: simple lang, state funeral and an honorable burial para sa aking tatay sa Libingan ng mga Bayani.

NOYNOY: that’s not for me to decide.
BONGBONG: i’m not surprised.
NOYNOY: what do you mean?
BONGBONG: wushuuu! aminin mo, hindi naman talaga ikaw ang nagdedecide sa government kundi ang mga taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo eh!

NOYNOY: that’s democracy.
BONGBONG: that’s weakness.

NOYNOY: hindi ako diktador!
BONGBONG: oops, i’m sorry mr. symbolic president.
NOYNOY: sumusobra ka na! ang pagiging sobra ang dahilan kung bakit kayo pinalayas ng people power sa edsa. you’re way out of line!

BONGBONG: out of line??? no! we’re so back! isa sa senado, isa sa kamara at isang gobernadora.
NOYNOY: WALANG STATE BURIAL!
BONGBONG: ha-ha-ha, now you’re talking! fine!

NOYNOY: tapusin na natin ‘tong usapang ‘to. stop txting me!
BONGBONG: agad? i’m just warming up.
NOYNOY: maghanap ka ng kausap mo.
BONGBONG: may ipapakilala akong chick. 25 lang. maputi, mahilig sa jazz music.
NOYNOY: huwag mo akong daanin sa babae. sa dami ng problema ng bansa these days, women are the least of my concerns.
BONGBONG: talaga? ok. fine. bye!
NOYNOY: sandali lang!!! chinita ba?

Silence.. (Note: BONGBONG Marcos didn’t reply. An aide said, “Na-check operator services po si Sir.”)

Umuulan Ba Sa Labas

INAY: Anak, umuulan ba sa labas?
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ANAK: Nay, sa tanda niyong yan.. Kelan pa umulan sa loob? Duh!

Pass

‎(Juan at Pedro sa PINOY HENYO)

(Pinapahula: KUTSILYO)

Juan: Bagay ba ito?
Pedro: Oo!
Juan: Nakikita sa bahay?
Pedro: Oo! Oo!
Juan: Nakikita sa kusina?
Pedro: OO! OO! MY GOSH! OO!
Juan: Ummm... panghiwa ng sibuyas?
Pedro: OO! OO! OO! OO!
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Juan: PASS!

Really Attractive

Pedro: Alam mo Rosa, ...
Rosa: Ano yun?
Pedro: Your eyes are really attractive..
Rosa: Talaga?
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.
.
Pedro: Oo, they attract each other!

my parents don’t like me dressing like a girl!

(A biker saw one girl about to jump off a bridge… so he stopped..)

Biker: What are you doing?

Girl: Committing suicide!

Biker: Well.. before you die i wish to i kiss you..

Girl : Ok..

(after kissing..)

Biker: Wow! that was da best kiss in my life… but why are you committing suicide?

Girl: Because my parents don’t like me dressing like a girl!

BIKER JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE!

Titiradurin Ko Ang Buwan!

Sa Mental Hospital..
Doctor: Anong gagawin mo pag nakalabas ka na ng Mental?
Patient: "Titiradurin ko ang buwan!"
Doctor: Mags-stay ka pa ng 5 buwan!
*5 months later*
Doctor: Anong gagawin mo pag nakalabas ka na ng Mental?
Patient: Uuwi nako samin.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Magt-trabaho ako.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Manliligaw ako ng babae.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Magpapakasal kami.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Maghahanimun kami.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Hihiga kami sa kama.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Huhubarin ko damit, bra at panty niya.
Doctor: Tapos?
Patient: Kukunin ko yung garter tapos gagawin kong tirador. At titiradurin ko ang buwan

Rush

INA: Bakit mo iniuwi dito sa bahay yang trabaho mo?
ANAK: Rush po to nay eh.
INA: Bwisit ka! Ikaw lang ang EMBALSAMADOR na naguuwi ng trabaho!

Abrelata Brasil

HOST: If you would have to change your religious beliefs, would you marry the man you love?
DIONISIA: If I would change my religious beliefs? Op kors. Yes. I can. It's only a religion. If the man that I marry is from religion 2? And I'm in religion 8? I can move to religion 2 which is cagayan valley. Abrelata Brasil!

Sending Failed

BREAK-UP STORY [Epekto ng Sending Failed]

She texted her BF..

G: Hi baby. :)

B: Hi, my love. ♥ (sending failed)

G: Are you there?

B: Yes babe, I'm here. (sending failed)

G: Hey! Are you ignoring me or what? >.<

B: Honey I'm not! I'm right here! (sending failed)

G: It's over! Don't you ever talk to me again!

B: Damn! Go to hell! (message sent)

Sad Story Of A Man

Last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work.
Even my colleagues did not greet me.
As I entered my office, my pretty secretary said, "Happy Birthday Boss!"
I felt special.
She asked me for lunch.
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
We went there. She said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"OK," I said in a sexy mood.
She came out 5 minutes later with a cake and my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends and my colleagues. All screaming, "SURPRISE!!"
And I was waiting on the sofa.
I was.....NAKED.

Sa Table Na Lang

EKSENA SA MCDO

Dalawang Pilosopo nag-uusap

Customer: Pa-order nga isang Cheeseburger, Fries at CokeFloat.

Cashier: Dito nyo po ba kakainin sir?

Customer: Ay di ba pede sa table nlang? Nakakahiya kung dito. Madami pang nakapila.

Cashier: Ah. Gusto nyo po sa table kumain. Gamit kayo ng plato sir, kadiri nman sa table kayo kakain..

Anong Maipaglilingkod Ko?

First day sa office ni Juan pagka-abogado.

Secretary: Sir may bisita po kayo.

Kinuha agad ni Juan ang telepono. Pa-bilib. Kunwari may kausap siya. Naghintay lang yung bisita. Nakikinig kay Juan.

Juan: Anong maipaglilingkod ko sa iyo?
Bisita: Wala sir, kakabitan ko lang ng linya yung telepono niyo.